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Tibby’s Bowl Online Entertainment Magazine » Joe Corey’s PARTY FAVORS - 4/2006
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Joe Corey’s PARTY FAVORS - 4/2006

Posted by Ken in Party Favors (April 1, 2006 at 11:39 pm)

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NEWARK - We’re running out of stars!

That was the hideous message left on my machine from Augie. He was having a panic attack after reading in a supermarket tabloid that Brody Jenner was a star.

Who? Did you just google his name? Cause if you did, you’d see that this guy’s “star” status is based on his appearing on the crappy Fox series “Princes of Malibu.” This was a show so bad that their mother filed for divorce after the first show hit the airwaves. This is a show so bad that Fox yanked it after two episodes and ran it on something called “Fox Reality.” Does this channel exist? My DVD player probably has higher viewership. And isn’t Fox and Reality an oxymoron when put together?

How exactly is someone called a star with that track record? A “Stigma is Born” should be the proper title. Brody and his twin brother Brandon are the sons of Bruce Jenner - the Gold medal decathlon plastic surgery disaster and Linda Thompson, best known as Elvis’ girlfriend. The brothers lived with their stepdad David Foster, a man who makes music only a proctologist can love. The point of the show was Foster wanted them to earn something besides coasting on their looks and genes. And America told the brothers to hit the cheese line.

And yet, in the media and on the wire, Brody Jenner was called a “star.” He was called a “Reality TV star” in reference to a girlfriend that supposedly hooked up with Nick Lachey. As much as I despise Paris Hilton, she was a reality TV star. Her Fox series pulled in good ratings. Brody Jenner’s show only pulled the plug.

When the media has to dip to Brody Jenner, it’s easy to see that we’re really in a blight of star power. Look at the magazines. It’s like the same dozen people rotated through the covers. Even the party scene is so star-light, but it wouldn’t admit it. Watch VH1 when they do the “hottest clubs” specials. Each person gushes that a club is so hot because the same dozen people party there. Is there anything special about Sean Combs, Justin Timberlake, Lindsay Lohan, Tyra Reid or Paris Hilton coming to your club? It’s the same comp crowd. I wanna know when I go to Vegas, where does Peter Boyle party into the night? Where am I going to find Robert Pine cracking a bottle of Jim Beam and sharing it with anyone who calls him Sgt. Getraer?

Enough Brody Jenner. Let me find a woman willing to dump Nick Lachey for Stephen Tobolowsky! Why isn’t Tobolowsky’s private life on the cover of Us Weekly? He’s probably as wicked as Richard Dawson.

By the way, the woman who was between Nick and Brody is Kristin Cavalleri. Once again, I ask who? And the answer is that she’s also a reality whore from “Laguna Beach.” Although since she’s on that show, she should be considered an actress.

GREEDY BASTARD ALERT

I was shocked when I clicked over to IFC to discover the channel was gone. Also missing was the Game Show Network. What the hell had happened to my once wonderful digital tier? It was bad enough when Trio collapsed, but this was too much.

Then I found out that Time Warner Cable has decided to stick it to me. For only an extra charge, I can get my channels back. Of course they were stuck in two different packages. The Digital Sports & Games collection includes Speed, Outdoor Channel, Fox College Sports (three time zones), Tennis Channel, Fuel, College Sports TV and the Game Show Network. Can we break out a Sesame Street. Which of channels doesn’t really belong? Why did Charles Nelson Riley get lumped in with extreme college sports? I don’t want the Tennis Channel. I want Match Game, TW Bitches. The other package features Flix (2 channels), Sundance (2 channels), Fox Movie Channel and IFC. At least those make sense.

While Time-Warner-UberAlles only wants $2.95 per package per month, I’m not in the mood to give it to them. How much of my money do they really want? Why don’t they quit nickel and diming me and just put a total on the table so I can spit in their face all at once.

And if you know the Time Warner Cable vice president that packaged this bull, spit in their face and tell ‘em, “Joe Corey says, ‘Taste the good life, bitches.’”

And do you know who gets hurt by this crap? The memory of Gene Rayburn. It’s a shame a guy like Time-Warner CEO Dick Parsons is a greedy bastard. I wonder how much he’d force his grandma to pay for cable.

LETTERS FROM HOLLYWOOD

After talking about Allan Havey’s latest role on Fox’s “Free Ride” in last month’s column, guess who emailed us?

“Thanks for the mention on your cool website.”
–Allan Havey

Please watch the show if you get a chance. It’s a shame that Fox has it going head to head with “The Sopranos,” “Cold Case,” “Law and Order: Criminal Intent” and “Desperate Housewives.” You won’t forget the Dove!

BIG WUV

HBO’s “Big Love” is such a lie.

It’s not that I don’t think there a poligamous families across America - especially in the Utah/Arizona area. I’ve seen lots of news reports, documentaries and Springer episodes about how they live. But I’ve yet to see a group family that looks as good as Bill Paxton with his wives of Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chloe Sevigny and Ginnfer Goodwin. Whenever they show Poly folks on TV, they always look like Springer people. Or they look like the elderly women from the “Andy Griffith Show.” And that’s not saying the husbands are prize winners themselves. They look more like Fred Mertz.

And what’s up with the bad fashions at these poly towns in the desert? They make Strawberry Shortcake look like a slut. If I’m going to have a couple of hot wives, they’re going dress like Ice T’s coming to town.

If there’s one thing that “Big Love” gets right, it’s the casting of Harry Dean Stanton as the creepy cult leader. Just give the frickin’ Best Supporting Emmy to Harry before he shows up and marries your daughter!

And how refreshing it is to see Harry getting to not only go head to head with Paxton, but Bruce Dern also tussles with the cult leader.

The only bad part of the show is there’s just way too much Bill Paxton ass. Is Bill having a competition with Kevin Bacon for rump romps? Bacon by the way must have spent every other scene flashing his rear in “Where the Truth Lies.” Why don’t these two come out with their own Buns of Steel workout?

Although I can handle Bill’s ass when it’s in the same shots as Chloe Sevigny. She’s perfect as Harry Dean’s semi-wayward daughter that’s now married to Bill. She nails the manipulative angles without twisting her mustache.

Has it really been over a decade since Chloe entered our cinematic lives? HBO’s been running “Trees Lounge,” one of her early flicks. She’s one of the most deceptive actresses of our times. She’s like Dean Martin with her effortless delivery and yet there’s nothing light about her results when the moment calls for impact.

L ISN’T FOR LIGHTEN UP

What happened to the promise from the producers that this season’s “L Word” was going to be more fun? The last 12 episodes were about as fun as watching open heart surgery on the Discover Channel. Where was the girl-girl love? Where was hot tubs and showers?

Instead we had to deal with divorces, steroids and death.

Can I just say that the hottest actress on TV is Sarah Shahi? But even as Carmen, the hot DJ gal, she wasn’t getting it on enough. I want the producers of the L Word to swear that the fourth season will focus on Sarah getting laid every episode. Show us the love.

FANGS OUT

I’m creeped out watching the trailer for “Benchwarmers.” Not merely because it looks like a stupid movie, but there’s Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder) being mauled by the bad comic skills of David Spade, Rob Schneider and Jon Lovitz. They’re like a pack of vampires sucking the heat out of Heder and sustaining their own pathetic careers (something Madonna practices on a yearly basis - look what has happened to Britney Spears since the MTV kiss). It’s like the scene where Dracula’s brides sink their fangs into Keanu Reeves. Except these pathetic SNLers aren’t nearly hot or watchable.

I haven’t seen this much fresh meat lust on the screen since Tom Arnold tried to buttrape Ed Furlong in “Animal Factory.” The trio of SNL washups had best not drain Heder of anything that made him special.

I won’t be seeing this since it’ll probably be rerun to death on Comedy Central. I also refuse to give any money to a film featuring the NFL’s answer to Barry Bonds - Bill Romanowski. Why exactly is this roid freak being given a second career? Why didn’t they just cast O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake?

KILL INSECTS

Phil Morrison’s “Junebug” has to be the worst film about the South since “Dukes of Hazzard.”

I was hoping to like this film. I’ve met Phil, a former Tarheel who now makes his cash directing commericals in New York City. Phil did my old roomie’s video (the band was Motocaster). And Phil returned to make his movie about the South in Winston-Salem (after I fled the city of Camel cigarettes and Krispy Kreme donuts) instead of going to Canada (like someone I won’t name here).

It should have been an easy job to make me relate to the film since I’ve lived on the location. The movie was about a woman in Chicago who hurriedly marries a Southern guy that she met at her art gallery during an auction. After six months of marriage, they come down South to meet his family. She’s trying to represent a Winston-Salem area artist that’s based on the late Rev. Howard Finster (he did the covers for R.E.M.’s “Reckoning” and The Talking Heads’ “Little Creatures”). Before we talk about the movie, let’s address the Finster situation.

In the movie Morrison made the “outsider” artist insane and a bigot. Thank goodness we were able to have a sweet white man dropping the N-word and deciding to not go with an art dealer because they’ve got Jews in the gallery. Wouldn’t be a Southern film without the insane cracker. In interviews, Morrison talked about having slept on Finster’s sofas. Is he saying that Finster hated Jews and didn’t mind dropping N-bombs around the house? Why didn’t Morrison have his artist character molest his daughter? Thanks for uplifting your kinda folks, Phil.

But the artist character isn’t the only waste of space on the screen. That troubled blond boy from the O.C. (Ben McKenzie) is supposed to be Southern by slapping a mustache on his puss and a trucker cap for the Panthers on his dome. Squidbillies are more authentic Southerners than him. And for those of you who are going to point out that Ben McKenzie is from Austin, Texas, let me let you in on a secret - Texas is not the South - it’s Texas.

Key emotional points are skipped all over the place. At first you can write it off as “the artist at work.” But in my real film experiences, it normally means that the scenes died on the screen so badly that it was easier to confuse the audience than insult them with crap.

All I kept hearing about this film was how “realistic it is.” There’s a scene where the father can’t find his phillips head screwdriver. I’ve lived the reality of that world when dad can’t find his screwdriver. And it isn’t this fantasyland “Junebug” creates. Dad doesn’t quietly look. In reality, dad doesn’t ask, “If I was a screwdriver, where would I be.” In reality, dad yells, “Why did you touch my tools? What did you do with my screwdriver!”

There’s a scene where the family goes to the church for a dinner. The minister talks to the couple and forces the husband to sing. But at no point does the minister ask how they got married and remind them that they need to get married in their church in order to be right with the Lord.

Early in the film, the pregnant Ashley (Amy Adams) announces to her mother-in-law that she had lost two pounds and the day before had only eaten a hotdog. And the mother-in-law just doesn’t care. I don’t know any real mother-in-law that wouldn’t have flipped out upon hearing such a declaration. Here is this movie about family being important yet the family doesn’t seem to care about the health of this woman and the baby inside her. And when the predicted ending hits (my wife guessed it right after the hotdog announcement), we’re supposed to believe this matters to the family? Morrison should be embarrassed for halfbacking cornbread moment. Adams is great as the talkative girl, but she’s got so little to play off. I had a sense that if this concept was retooled, it could be a follow up to Carson McCullers’ “Member of the Wedding.”

I didn’t like how he had the O.C. boy working at Replacements, Ltd. This is a place that buys and sells used China for out of production collections. There’s a story to all those plates, cups and saucers that O.C. boy packs up. How did they end up in that warehouse? A death? A divorce? A change of life? And why does someone need to replace their China? A divorce? Clumsy kids? Never got around to getting the gravy boat? There’s stories in those shelves. But the movie doesn’t care. He could have had the guy working the line at Krispy Kreme.

Sure the film name checks Cheerwine and Zingers. But there’s very little authentic reality in this alleged Southern film. This is a film that passes itself off as a small bit of beauty, but it’s mostly pretty vacant.

SQUAWK OF LOVE

If you’re an adult and you enjoyed “March of the Penguins” and “Winged Migration,” then you should rent “The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill.” Its a great documentary about a guy who was “caretaker” to parrots that flock around the San Francisco landmark. Think of it as a happy version of “Grizzly Man” except the unemployed animal expert in “Wild Parrots” doesn’t meet the same fate as Timothy Treadwell. It’s an “up” nature documentary although it deals with the harsh mortality of these birds that go from wild, to capture to wild again. Put it in your Netflix queue.



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