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Tibby’s Bowl Online Entertainment Magazine » Joe Corey’s PARTY FAVORS - 5/2006
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Joe Corey’s PARTY FAVORS - 5/2006

Posted by Ken in Party Favors (May 1, 2006 at 12:44 am)

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CARAMABA, MEXICO - Last month I decided to grasp the dream. I snuck over the border into Mexico and am now earning the big bucks shoving worms into tequila bottles.

The best part of the job is that any worms that won’t fit in the bottle go into my lunchbox. And I get to huff all the fumes I want all day. Don’t call my house on Sunday morning.

Why do you insist on staying in America when you can live down here in Mexico and enjoy the cheap life? And the water is so tasty. The only draw back is they can’t make a good Chalupa.

I AM COLBERT NATION

God bless Steven Colbert for not pussing out when he addressed President Bush and the National Press. He tore into the state of the nation and defended the Truth to their faces. The major media outlets downplayed Colbert’s biting moment in favor of W. and his double doing a Leno sketch. Did we expect their balls to fall after they got a spanking from Mr. Truthiness? Did we expect W. to realize that we’re not buying his marketeers and truly act for the benefit of America?

What a Fantasyland concept. They’re there to serve their corporate owners and the people that paid to put those rubber chickens on the plate.

At least for a few minutes on a Saturday night, W and the elite press learned that we’re onto their asses and Colbert is our pitbull. They’re all on notice!

Colbert really needs to run for Senator from New York.

DIAMOND DAVE DRIZZLE

I feel bad that David Lee Roth has now become a radio legend as the man who crashed and burned in the wake of Howard Stern’s elevation to satellite radio. He deserves better. This man was once a hero to a nation of kids who wanted to live the debauchery that he professed.

Sure most of us would have looked stupid is assless pants, but who wouldn’t look better with a couple blond groupies wrapped around our bodies? How many boys decided that it’s OK to nail your instructor after hearing “Hot for Teacher?” Every week, I pick up the paper and find out about another 14 year old boy nailing his former-Hooters waitress English teacher. That’s the power of Van Halen.

Being a morning DJ should be beneath David Lee Roth. You know that during his Van Halen days, he had contempt for Morning Zoo flunkees. And there he was as the voice that tried to wake up New York City to get them ready for the shower.

What is wrong with our world? What drove him to take this job - besides a couple million dollars? If anything David is a TV kinda guy with is weird world bouncing across the screen. Why did he do it?

Would Diamond Dave become a greeter at Wal-Mart? Cause that’s what he was. Actually he was worse. Before he went on the air, I compared his new job to a hooker working the men’s rooms at the Vince Lombardi reststop on the Jersey Turnpike. Both of them were servicing commuters for four hours a day. Granted David was earning more than $20 a pop for oral action across the tri-state area. But both him and the hooker had sore jaws at the end of the day.

I don’t want my childhood demonic hero to punch the clock. If he’s awake at 4 a.m., it’s because he’s getting his second wind - and the next round of hotties are coming up the elevator to his Penthouse pleasure palace. I don’t want David Lee Roth waking up before me. I want a hero in my life. I don’t want to know that the Man could turn DLR into a monkey.

I didn’t mind finding out that he was working with the EMTs in NYC. He came from a medical family. But for him to hold down a real job that has a desk and chair, was sad. Here was a man who once roamed football stadiums while belting out “Unchained.” But David proved he could be shackled down by beancounters in suits.

I’m happy he got fired. Because it has freed him to become David Lee Roth or at least the fantasy we’ve nurtured in our mind the first time we saw him belt out “Runnin’ With the Devil.” I’ve always lived with the dream that someday a limo will pull into my driveway and Diamond Dave tells me to get inside. There’s an adventure around the corner. If he was still a morning DJ, he’d have to tell us that I’d be back by 10 p.m. cause he’s got an early bedtime. Now we’re staying out until our passports expire or our dates graduate high school.

Cheer up, Diamond David. You didn’t lose a job. You retained your luster.

TASTE OF BLISS

I’m a fan of E!’s “The Soup.” It makes up for the fact that “The Daily Show” and “Colbert Report” isn’t on Friday nights. Joel McHale and company do the job that David Spade thinks he’s doing. Is there a reason why David Spade’s name hasn’t been attached to the words “forcefully removed from his rectum?”

QUICK REVIEW

Wes Anderson’s American Express ad is funnier than “Life Aquatic.” Actually his jacket is funnier than “Life Aquatic.”

AL FRANKEN

During the Full Frame Documentary film festival, I ended up perched in the second balcony watching “Al Franken: God Spoke” directed by Chris Hegedus and Nick Doob. I’m not sure how close to “release” the film, but since no one warned me not to review it, I’m gonna do it.

First off, this project was shot on video and they used a video projector. So is it really a film or just big TV? Let’s just call it a video. I’m getting sick of these videos being called films when they’re basically TV specials. In the harsh reality, this was a TV special about Al Franken.

The show starts with Al’s book career gaining heat and his notorious moment with Bill O’Reilly on CSpan. In the midst of a book panel, the two get extra nasty on air. This sets up the big villain of the piece as O’Reilly. The Fox News personality makes an easy target with his self righteous “I’m looking out for the little man” attitude. It should be noted that O’Reilly was looking out for a female co-worker when he wanted to rub a falafel between her legs. Real family values guy, that O’Reilly.

Al’s journey seems rather ambling as he goes on a book tour and faces off with Ann Coulter. The nice part about seeing Ann projected 30 feet high is to see that massive Adam’s apple on her neck. She wouldn’t cut it as a drag queen. I wonder if she was one of those hermaphrodite kids and her parents had her male parts sliced off since they thought it would give ‘em a girl. And she’s too damn skinny. I’ve seen crack whores that have better figures. How can she talk about living the good life in America when she’s pretty much skin, bones and cigarettes?

Franken gets hired to be one of the personalities of Air America, a liberal radio network. As a viewer, you’d be better watching HBO’s “Left of the Dial” which gives a gritty and ugly picture of the early days including a lot of strange money problems. In “God Spoke,” these problems are skated over. But we do follow Franken as he covers the 2004 conventions and promises the defeat of President George W. Bush. It’s hard to feel “up” for this part of the show since we all know the inevitable outcome. The big thrust of this part is Al reaffirming his faith in the outlook of the late Senator Paul Wellstone. Days before the election of 2002, Wellstone had died in a plane crash while running for reelection in Minnesota. The GOP pundits attacked a memorial for Wellstone and lied about Sen. Trent Lott being booed off the stage - an event that never happened. But as we now know in America, the truth doesn’t matter. The first person to lie gets to shape the truth. And thus Republican Norm Coleman snagged Wellstone’s seat. Coleman becomes the third enemy of Franken in the film. The two don’t even get close to each other. Franken sneers when they are within eyesight of each other.

This last part of the show deals with Franken deciding that he might go back to Minnesota and run against Coleman. And then the movie ends. It just ends without much of an ending since nothing is completely declared. The movie is incomplete. Sure it’s easy to see this as cinema verite that needs no real plot. We’re getting a portrait of Franken. But they follow him for almost three years through a variety of pursuits. It needs to end on a harder statement than “I’m thinking of running for the senate.” Maybe this TV show won’t be done until 2008 when Franken gets into the arena.

If anything this documentary on Franken will serve as a primer for Minnesota democrats wondering who the hell this guy is. Is he Minnesota Nice? They will see that he’s a man who has had some really bad haircuts over the past few decades. But the incomplete nature of the “Spoke” will find it hard to find a real audience outside of his readers and listeners. I can imagine showing this to my mom and having her ask, “It’s over?” when the DVD turns off. This is all dough and no cookie.

The show has fun moments like when Al finally meets Henry Kissenger. Of course he must do Henry to Henry. And there’s a great exchange with Sean Hannity. All of Franken’s interactions with right wing pundits prove my basic point - the truth doesn’t matter if you can lie good enough before the other guy tells the truth.

There’s a blown moment in the film when Al has dinner with former Vice President Mondale. The old politico tells Al that running for public office will get nasty and they’ll tear into his past. I really wanted Al to just say, “I was on SNL in the 70s. What can’t they link to me?” His opponents can say is that he did loads of cocaine off Buck Henry’s glasses while doing perverted things to Drew Barrymore. And America would say, “We figured that out for ourselves.” As long as Al isn’t caught with Winona Ryder and a falafel, he has little to worry about. He should be more embarrassed by his old haircuts than his activities.

SELL ME A USED ONE

I’ve become hooked on “King of Cars.” This is another reality show on A&E about Towbin Dodge in Las Vegas. I like the fact that the show mainly focuses on a Saturday at the lot instead of giving us way too much personal looks into the sales staff. It’s good to see how car dealers work since sooner or later we all have to deal with these slick haired weasels.

I wish A&E would actually run Chopper’s weekly infommerical. We need to get the complete experience.

WHERE’S YOUR OAR, MARTY?

I just saw the package for the HD-DVD of “Goodfellas” and the movie is listed as being 1.78:1. Oddly enough there’s no warning that this film is not being presented in it’s original theatrical aspect ratio. When we ran the movie back at the theater. there was no 1.78 plate in the projector. We had a 1.85:1 plate and lens - because that’s what this movie was supposed to be run at.

And yet wasn’t it Martin Scorsese bitching about how movies should be letterboxed to their proper ratios? That we should see these movies exactly as the filmmakers had framed them? That we shouldn’t watch films that have been modified to fit a TV screen?

Seems that was merely a bunch of BS from the man who was supposed to be a priest. I had faith that Marty would defend the black bars to the bitter end. But was I wrong. Some of us are willing to put our ass on the line while the generals (or the directors in this case) drink their fancy wines and chuckle at the daily numbers.

No matter what Marty wants to say at this point is worthless. He has allowed his film to be formated to fit a TV. Granted it’s the Widescreen TV, but that isn’t the same as a Widescreen Theatrical screen (unless you have a crummy movie theater - which isn’t that rare). Let’s face the simple fact - Marty has allowed himself to become an industry bitch.

You wanna know why “Goodfellas” didn’t win the Oscar? Cause we knew Marty would sell us out to the man. Sometimes you dish out the payback before the check is cut. Hope you enjoy your Lifetime Bride’s Maid Oscar, Marty.

I LOVE MERTZ

The sixth and final season of “I Love Lucy” has come out on DVD. This was the diamond of sit-coms. And luckily Paramount has made sure the DVDs sparkle. Each season has plenty of odd extras including the original animated openings, outtakes and Lucy’s radio show “My Favorite Husband.” For members of the cult of Lucy, the treatment of their favorite redhead on DVD was stellar.

However Paramount really screwed up when they first introduced the show to the shiny discs. Back in the summer of 2002, they decided that instead of offering season sets, they’d put them out as single DVDs.

They were only offering 4 episodes per individual DVD for $15 SRP. So in order to get all of the first season, you had to buy 9 DVDs and pay $135. Ouch. Of course this was from the company that was charging $20 for 2 original Star Trek episodes on DVD. Luckily fans of Lucy weren’t going to take it and Paramount changed their approach and went with seasons set at a lower price. This sixth season is being sold by Amazon for under $27.

Now you might be wonder what I’m doing watching “I Love Lucy.” Well the answer is simple the power of Fred Mertz compels me. William Frawley makes that show go down so fine. The man was just a genius of comic timing and gruff exterior. So what if the show was about Lucy and Desi. In truth, it was all about Fred having to put up with two high profile and high maintenance tenants.

And if you’re a fan of Fred, you’ll probably want to know that Sgt. Bilko boxset comes out this month. This is the Phil Silvers’ TV series and not that crappy Steve Martin movie. Part of Phil’s military unit is Sam the Butcher from “the Brady Bunch” and Eric Von Zipper from the “Beach Party” movies. We’ll talk more about this collection next week. Now it’s time to watch more Fred.

WILL BE REAL FOR FOOD

Did you know that there are now more washed up reality “stars” than unemployed prime time actors?

I’m not talking actors who had bit parts or appear as background extras. I’m talking about actors who had their names in the opening credits on prime time shows. In less than a decade, the Reality boom has made 1,000s of “normal” people stars for a few weeks. Just think how many kids appeared on “Real World” and “Road Rules” on MTV. That’s several hundred kids who are now doing what?

A few of these reality “stars” have been able to sustain their career by hitting the circuit - doing Surreal Life and other lame “superstars of reality” shows. I guess if you can look real playing Poker, there’s money there. There’s always cash in porn. That might be the next stop for many of these people - a hardcore Big Brother House. When you have no greater talent than being “real,” it shouldn’t be too hard to have sex to sustain a barely there career. It hasn’t hurt Paris Hilton.

SNAKES UNDER THE STARS

Did Brett Meisner really do a rewrite of “Snakes on a Plane?” I’ve yet to get confirmation that he’s scribbled anything about Samuel L Jackson cussing about reptiles. But I have to wonder.

This is the only film I’m going to see in the theater this summer. Actually that’s a lie. My plans are to see “Snakes on a Plane” at the Starlite Drive in Durham, NC. This is a movie that must be experienced beneath the stars and through a scratchy little speaker hanging off my El Camino’s rearview mirror.

There’s no guarentee that the film will play at the Starlite. But I’m already writing my Congressman demanding he insure it happens. We’re talking culture here. Joe Bob Briggs would probably agree that Snakes in a Drive In is the way to go.

And speaking of Joe Bob Briggs, if you only buy two books about movie this year, let them be “Profoundly Erotic: Sexy Movies that Changed History” and “Profoundly Disturbing: The Shocking Movies that Changed History.” These are perfect gifts for a friend who loves movies and long bathroom breaks. His behind the scenes details on “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS” are things you won’t read in film school. Plus there’s lots of pictures.

Joe Bob knows how to get you excited about seeing a film - especially compared to certain critics who use their intellectual discourse to suck the joy out of a movie. I hope Joe Bob gets to see “Snakes on a Plane” at a drive-in and not a google-plex.



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