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The following is a list of Frequently Asked Questions, meant to clear up very little and hopefully forestall the inevitable revolutionary feelings, resultant uprising and bloody coup, followed  by a government crackdown and military state. We keep telling people to "Stock up on your guns, water, and toilet paper," but do they listen to us? NO! Well we won't be responsible, you hear! Crackpots indeed!

 Q: What is...

 A: Something very special in the hearts of men.
 

 Q: How does...

  A: Through pixie magic, pagan rituals, and Ovaltine.


 Q: But that doesn't...

 A: It 's a simple fact of life, and many young boys, young girls, and stockbrokers experience it. It's nothing to be ashamed of.


  Q: What about...

 A: Although his theories don't explain many things, the explanations for certain items still correspond to the laundry and grocery lists for the third Friday after the Autumnal  Equinox. It's something to consider before a trip to the auto parts store.
 

 Q: Why did...

 A: Although many ideas have been fought over from time to time, some resulting  in bloody and vindictive matches of Twister, it is still a widely held belief among greengrocers that the top hat is the best piece in Monopoly.
 

 Q: But when...

 A: Well,  there are still many ways to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, and with the recent wide-spread availibility of plastic explosives, it's something to think about.
 

 Q: In other words...

 A: Yes, Santa Claus was a plant by the Cold-War Soviet government meant to corrupt the young of America and, through dimunitive elfin lackeys, to distribute cavity-causing candy canes in order to  undermine the dental superiority of the Good Ole US of A.
 

 Q: So...

 A: Yep, We've got the pictures, too. Real beuts. Makes you wonder about
 MacArthur.
  

 Q: But that doesn't...

 A: There's no need to worry about it. It has been proven that Alka-Seltzer has led to the downfall of 53 third world countries, including Hollywood.
 

 Q: Well...

 A: The Feigian transport ships will be arriving shortly, and then dispursement will commence.
 

 Q: But if...

 A:  You've got a point there. Batten down the hatches. Your postal worker will be delivered via Express Mail to you shortly, postage on delivery.
 

 Q: I still don't know...

  A: And you never will. Please deposit 25 cents or this FAQ will be
 disconnected...
 

 Q: Hello...

 A: .............................................................
 

 Q: Uhh.... Hello...

  A: ............................................................
 

 Q: What a pain in the <click>

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Tibby's Bowl Entertainment Magazine copyright 2005 by Kenneth Plume. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction in part or in whole without permission is prohibited. All articles, stories, and columns contained within are copyright their respective authors.