Here are my running notes from the evening when we celebrate musical celebrity: The MTV Video Music Awards of 2003.

Why is Sean Comb's butler carrying a violin? Shouldn't he be carrying a bat to protect the audience from attacks by the Making the Band 2 contestants? How come those kids didn't get dragged out to give away an award?

Why is John Norris still "hip with the kids?" This year's haircut features a bad dye job. Does a musician fear they are about to become uncool when they have to stand next to Skelator? Does Christina fear that John is going to eat her? He looks like a cast member of the "Hill Have Eyes" Broadway road crew? She should at least fear having her eyes poked out by his huge collars. Get some cuff links.

Olsen twins!!! When will they have lesbian sex with the Hilton sisters? Mary-Kate and Paris followed by Ashley and Nikki….get Miramax on the phone.

Dave Navarro and Carmen Elecktra….who spends more time primping in the limo mirror? Do they argue about which one is having the career comeback?

Sean Paul - is he from Jamaica? Do you know the joke about the Jamaican guy and his tattoo? Look it up if you get a chance.

What's funny about the VMAs is that the big "events" that they hold up as those outrageous moments, the bigwigs at MTV were shocked by. Remember how they treated Howard Stern after Fartman? Or Andrew Dice Clay getting banned? Or the Rage Against the Machine guy who climbed up into a prop? How about when the Beastie Boy dressed in Bavarian garb (or was it Spike Jonez) interrupted an award claiming he was robbed? Or how they edited Flea (or was it Anthony) thanking Satan for making their success possible?

Nelly has turned "pimp juice" into an energy drink? How disgusting that something so sacred can be exploited? Mr. Beige says, "You don't drink pimp juice - you pump it out! Cause it's in me!"

The Donnas - three nice outfits and then the gal with the big white ribbon on her stomach. She looks like a knocked up prom queen.

It's a good thing Johnny Cash stayed in the Nashville hospital. If he saw John Norris, he'd swear the Grim Reaper coming to fetch him.

The nice part about the VMAs is that the awards don't matter. It's just a freakshow. It's not an award you put in your obituary. All that matters is what you wore and if you did something freakish during the evening. It's the opposite of the Oscars. The handing out of awards gets in the way of the evening's fun. We don't want "winners." We demand freaks!

DMX's woman doesn't look like she takes any crap. Always good to see a man promote dog fighting as a sport. At the AVN awards, they promote cockfighting.

Tony Hawk is to skateboarding what Lance Armstrong is to biking. My mom knows who they are, but don't know anyone else in their sports.

Nick and Jessica are on screen. When she moves her mic properly, you can stare deep into he jacket….mmmmmm. As the King would saw, "PUPPIES!!!" What a curve she has. She probably can hide a handful of number 2 pencils under her breasts.

Big Brother is still on?

I'm so bored of the Queer Eye five. I heard a rumor that two of them are really straight and have families back in Montana. Simon Fuller - can't we have an American music grouch? Eminem vs 50 Cent? Blah blah blah. How about Vivica Fox's breasts vs. that bikini top? Somebody sign that woman up for a remake of any Pam Grier film and keep it R!

Kelly Clarkson….snore. Snore. Is she part Amish? As my pals at the construction site would shout - show me or blow me! She's dressed for the walk in freezer awards. Pam Anderson looks like she's arrived for the AVN awards!

Beyonce is golden, but it just doesn't look good. The hair is wrong with those earrings.

Snoop Dogg shows up wearing two dates on dog collars and leashes. Ah, that's a man who knows how to accessorize. He also has the Bishop Magic Don Juan by his side. Pam Anderson's "date" is David Lachappelle - a fellow North Carolina School of the Arts graduate (although he was in the high school program). I bet he's going to get some Pam pie tonight!!! Kid Rock must be fuming that David is pimpin' with his woman.

Black Eye Peas perform. Does it really take that many people to do that? A brittle attempt at Marvin Gaye. Shame Marvin Gay Sr. wasn't there to review the performance. The song is very derivative. It's hard to listen to it without constantly figuring out what bodies they used to stitch together a Frankenstein.

Fred and Limpbizkit. Do they look bored with life? Is Fred stoned? He's sucking his lips so he might be.

Duran Duran is back. And they look nearly as aged as John Norris. Do they go to the same health spa? It's been 20 years since they appeared at the first VMAs. I bet their hair pieces don't remember that time.

What happened to the truck with the stripper pole in the back? Ah. It was Outkast. It didn't come off too well since the stripper wasn't poling when MTV cameras were rolling. Metallica - are those guys desperate to prove they still matter? "St. Anger?" How about "St. My Tummy Hurts?" Gosh they didn't even dress in matching suits. The new bass guy….they don't even give the guy a name. I think Journey treated the fat bass player with more respect on TV than "the new bass guy." Thanks Kurt.

Coldplay beats Johnny Cash for Best Direction? What can you say except - the awards are so meaningless. Justine Timberlake is looking like a pre-gay George Michael (minus the mouse). Kelly Rowland in the red dress looks more fantastic than Beyonce. She looks so much better when Beyonce's mom isn't dressing her.

Ian Richardson tells people not to get Fritos and a snack or they'll miss the start of the show. How far away is his kitchen? I wonder what sort of lotion Ian moisturizes with? Remember last year when Ian raved about bloated Axl and the Guns N' Roses experience? It is a shame that Buckethead isn't scheduled to give out an award.

Jay-Z looks like he was on his way to check the till at his nightclub. Jay-Z swears he's retiring after his next album. Now Jay-Z's henchmen are flashing their vodka bottle behind John Norris' head. They are now pushing the "secret opening!"

Hey is that Kurt Loder's son? Hahahahaha. Johnny Cash finally wins for Best Cinematography for "Hurt." Now they are giving Johnny Cash clips. Honestly, every time I hear a clip from "Hurt," I get shivers. I remember meeting him backstage at Duke's Cameron Indoor stadium. We shook hands. I was shocked that I was taller than him. I expected a giant. As his hand gripped mine, he grew a foot.

Did you know that the original Neptunes were the band on Jabberjaw?


Here's the secret opening. It's "Like a Virgin." There's Britney on the cake in tribute to Madonna. What's next? Like a virgin - till Justin got through with you. And here's Christina…when was she a virgin? I guess Jennifer Lopez bailed. And now Madonna as the groom. And now the moment is lost when Madonna has to perform her crummy "Hollywood" song. This is Manhattan, Madonna? Why are you singing about the West Coast at an East Coast celebration? Turn down the volume and watch their butts shake. Great moment as Justin waves off the cameraman trying to get a reaction shot. Madonna wants to boff Christina. Kisses for the ladies. And now Missy? Why? Gap plugs suck. Sure Madonna felt up Britney, but she was dry humping Christina. This would have been amazing if they just stuck to "Like A Virgin."

Chris Rock's take on "Making the Band 2" is perfect. At least Justin got up and applauded Chris for nailing his ass on "Punk'd." A Jenna Jameson reference and the people got it. This is the AVNs. This is the best Chris Rock monologue. So far the best sucking belongs to Madonna on Britney and Christina.

Is that Ziggy or Bob Marley on LeBron James' jersey? How come he ain't got no Nike swoosh action on that shirt? Missy is the only rap song up for an award that does feature five different rappers. And she wins! Working solo is nice. The tracksuit tuxedo will not be catching on. Do we really need people thanked for the awards? Save that crap for the Grammys. Just do something goofy. Now we learn that 10 people are needed to keep Missy together. They just reran Madonna smooching Britney and Justin's stare. What would have made the show? A three-way kiss between Madonna, Britney and Christina would have been entertainment history! Where's my hand lotion?

The sound goes to hell during Tony Hawk and Bam's intro. They turn off the lights before they can leap off the stage. Good Charlotte….I liked them better when they were Gene Loves Jezebel. Chris Rock rips them as a mediocre Green Day. Same difference.

In the R. Kelly video, did the girls have to wear their driver's licenses on their belt to prove age before he was allowed to grind up on them? Beyonce didn't think Jay-Z for her award - nor did he get up on stage with her. What's up with that? Tongues will wag? Speaking of wagging tongues - did you see what Madonna was doing with her tongue down Christina's throat? Madonna's career is older than that girl. She's trying to be a bi-sexual Demi Moore?

Nick and Jessica….only one will survive!

Em has won. And they still get a reaction shot from Justin. Em's pushing his "Shady" clothing line. A Crank Yankers tribute to the phone bank. Not that funny. They are now threatening us with a performance by 50 Cent. After Nelly and that other guy sucked the life out of the moment with their plugging of records and clothing line, Christina is back and wrapped in leather. She's dirty. She is hot in that skanky beach trash kinda way. She's the kinda woman that you have to bring extra lube for your protection. She's a pelvic pounder. What's up with the leather skirt? Give us back the thong bottom? Is her mom in the audience? Dave Navarro guest appears. Shame that Jane's didn't get an invite. Could have been a skankier set.

Outkast and Iggy Pop giving out an award. Iggy's reformed the Stooges with Mike Watt on bass. Watt's a friend of the Party Favors. Iggy is sporting a Warren Zevon snarl. Warren's new song also makes me shiver. These aren't songs. They are beating hearts. Wow Interpol is up for an award. Shows how much I followed this. They lost to AFI. I didn't think a list making institution could qualify. Everybody's in Ho' business.

Accidental funny so far: The female announcer says that upcoming is "P.Diddy and two special guests" while on screen we see 50 Cent and Vivica A. Fox's chest. Those are special guests. David Spade and the Olsen Twins - he's nearly as tall as them. Finally Justin can get on camera for his video about stalking Britney. See kids, creepiness does pay. But what's "cooler than bubblegum?"

Combs wears a t-shirt that wants us to remember Barry White and Gregory Hines. Why does this guy have to attach himself to dead people? He's like the lost cast member of "Six Feet Under." And look the Addidas company passed out sneakers in tribute. It's just not good to have a "memorial" moment and then pass out an award. Talk about a downer when you walk up on stage for the moon man. How can you be a freak knowing Jam Master Jay's empty turntable is behind you? Fade to commercial and bring back the fun. It should be pointed out that it would be nice to know who killed Jam Master Jay - incase they decide to kill again. But it's 50 Cent as the winner. He ain't going to care about a guy who couldn't take a bullet. And his award speech pretty much killed the moment. He was more wrapped into the trophy that sharing the love. I guess winning it does matter to somebody.

I got to get me a pimp goblet. Krunk? We used to say that back in 1986 to describe John Zorn solos. I bet the Bishop Magic Don Juan can make good money with Hillary Duff on the street. Why is Coldplay winning so much? Did John Norris fix the contest? Justin is so happy that they liked him for him liking them that he stood up. Now Eminem is wearing a basketball jersey backwards. Why doesn't he put his head through the armhole and look twice as cool? Now he's working with a puppet. Oh he beat up the puppet. It was kinda cute. But now we get to see if 50 Cent has improved his stage performance. Hey he got MF past MTV censors. Well he's making sure America knows it's Pimps united. Guess they checked the whores' collars and leashes off at the door. But they're still head down women. Check your collar at the door. 50 Cent is still lame on the big stage.

Enough with the Queer Eye guys. When will they have five teamsters trying to make Richard Simmons a macho man? "Walk Like A Man" coming next month on Fox. And the word "product" is so 1992. We prefer to use the word "additive." Beyonce wins and get to hug all the Queer Eye guys. Still no Jay-Z. She thanks him. But he doesn't crank her….hmmm. Tongue a wagging? Is that a breeze from tongues a wagging?

Nearly 2 hours into the fun and it's wearing thin. The acts just don't have it. Nothing has been able to top Madonna dry humping Britney and Christina. In the immortal words of Artie on "Larry Sanders," "Hank, you don't open with a showstopper!"

Jack Black nearly saved the moment with his tribute to Michael Jackson's "artist of the century" moment from last year. But Fred Durst was dead weight as the straight man. DMX scares me with his pitbull. Why is Mary J. Blige doing a costume change during a medley number? Why is 50 Cent rapping on another number? This whole performance is confusing me. If you move the camera around enough, the audience won't notice how "unmoving" the performance is. When she squats on stage, it's not sexy. It looks like she's trying to take a pee in the woods. I need more Bacardi.

The touching weird moment as Kelly Osbourne worshipped Duran Duran as they came out to give an award. Avril doesn't seem to give a crap. Seeing how she was raised in a fishing village, she probably thought Duran Duran was something said by a stuttering boxing announcing. She was exactly not born when "Seven and the Ragged Tiger" was released. "You guys invented Girls on Film," Avril says. What? Did she watch Duran Duran videos while listening to her David Bowie records? It was nice that they surprised Duran Duran with a lifetime achievement award - but someone it seemed like a complete dead moment as the audio failed.

Justin introduces Coldplay. Hard to take them seriously when they seem to be the next version of Ben Folds Five. What's up with the "Make Trade Fair" on the piano? Did Avril write that down? Is he upset that David Beckham has left Man. U? Did you know he's seen Gwen Paltrow naked? I'd like to see Vivica A. Fox topless, but I won't take nine bullets from Ja Rule's goons for it. They're done. Someone woke me up.

Venus and Serena Williams can't play in the U.S. Open, but they can serve up crummy banter. I bet the folks in Forrest Hills are enjoying this moment. They're going to be retired in three years from the sport anyway. Justin wins again. I think the Queer Eye guys and John Norris have fixed it. Justin shook hands with Em. Put that on a postcard. At least he had the class to pay tribute to Johnny Cash.

Are you ready for some sluts! Here's Pam Anderson and Mya! Suck face! Suck face! Suck face! And turn on the fricken' microphone! Shame a channel that's about audio isn't hosting this award show. Pharell is pushing his record. Enough. It's not even like it's really his record. It's all about the guest artists. When is Paramount going to slap his ass with a lawsuit over the constant use of "Star Trak," But calling it Star Trek? Lucas nailed Luther Campbell on Skyywalker.

What's up with Beyonce being hung upside down? That's my zero gravity fantasy! Do they have a real microphone on her? It's merely a dance number. Well at least she's honest. This is a video award show and not one for "real performances." Is Jay-Z going to show up? And finally he shows up. His face is buried in the microphone. Enough tongues wagging. Remember when a female singer could be sexy with just a wink instead of an aerobics work out?

Chris Rock is killing time. Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore enter. Aren't they in a movie together? Maybe they will plug it? It's called Duplex. THERE'S THE PLUG FROM BEN!!! But he plugged it in an ironic way - but a whore is a whore. It is time for the Viewer's Choice or what record company will have the highest 900 bill next month. Oh a California recall joke. And now Gene Loves Gene Jr. wins for being the best hosts on MTV with a best-selling record. Jesse Camp never got this kinda love. Chris Rock didn't get the memo - Snoop Dogg doesn't smoke the weed - and that's the story he's telling social services. Look there's the Bishop Magic Don Juan behind Snoop and Adam Sandler. I hope Mr. Beige will hang out with me when I win the Oscar for best snide comment during a crying scene. Video of the Year is up. This better be Johnny Cash. Who is the freak that got on the podium and what is taking? If he bumps Snoop, he'll be taking a beating behind the stage. Missy beat Johnny Cash. Bastards. I guess when word got out that Cash wasn't going to make the show; he was moved off the "winners" list. Is there anyone left in the audience that isn't behind Missy getting thanked? Did I help on that record?

Here comes Metallica -a band that hated MTV for so much of its career. And then they learned how to make millions. A Lenny Kravitz cover? Guess Lenny is too busy with Nicole Kidman to cameo. And now Teen Spirit? Drop some Nirvana. And now White Stripes. You guys are so eclectic. Maybe they could do some wardrobe changes? And now Beat It? Can't pay tribute without touching on Jackson - and don't let Jacko touch you. And "Enter Sandman." Was that enough notes to get paid? This is pathetic. Not quite as pathetic as the delusional Axl from last year. At least there was Buckethead to behold. This new song sucks. "I keep on searching." I'm searching for the remote. But wait there's the aftershow. Can't click off yet. The new bassplayer does look good whipping his hair around. "You're living a lie?" These guys are in severe denial. Their instrumental medley sucked hard. It lacked anything. It was like a bad sound check minus a "is this mic on" moment. No more girls kissing? Enough with the stupid baseball hats. Is James trying to become more bobblehead friendly?

It started out good and kinky, but it just got lamer as the night went on. And the first face after it's over is John Norris. Argh! Kurt Loder interviews his peers in Metallica. Amazing they can talk so long without an oxygen tent. Who is holding their walkers?

Now we get the "pundits" also known as MTV employees rave about how amazing the show was. It's all about Madonna kissing. "When Aged Hags attack teen girls!" next on Fox! It's all over - except for the repeats for the next five months. Just watch the first fifteen minutes.


Tibby's Bowl Entertainment Magazine copyright 2005 by Kenneth Plume. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction in part or in whole without permission is prohibited. All articles, stories, and columns contained within are copyright their respective authors.